Funny lines from funny movies...

Groucho & Chico Marx in Monkey Business (1931)

Groucho: ...Columbus was sailing along on his vessel...

Chico: On his what?

Groucho: Not on his what, on his vessel. Don't you know what "vessel" is?

Chico: Sure, I can vessel (starts whistling).

Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers (1932)

I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.

Stan Laurel & Oliver Hardy in Their First Mistake (1932)

Ollie: Why did you strike that match for?

Stan: I wanted to see if the light switch was off.

Ollie: That's a good idea.

Stan Laurel & Oliver Hardy in Helpmates (1932)            

Ollie: Get this house cleaned up! Do you know that my wife will be home at noon!

Stan: Say, what do you think I am? Cinderella? If I had any sense I'd walk out on you.
Ollie: Well it's a good thing you haven't any sense!
Stan: It certainly is!

Groucho Marx in A Day at the Races (1937)
Man: Are you a man or a mouse?
Groucho: Put a piece of cheese on the floor and you'll find out.

Jack Lemmon & Walter Matthau in The Odd Couple (1968)
Felix Ungar (Jack Lemmon): Funny, I haven't thought of women in weeks.
Oscar Madison (Walter Matthau): I fail to see the humour.

Robin Williams in Good Morning, Vietnam (1987)
Adrian Cronauer: I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon, and there's a man who's screaming out to be made fun of.

Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)
Mrs. Doubtfire: My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flushes.

Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
If I'm not back in five minutes...wait longer!

Ray Romano in Ice Age (2002)

Manfred, the mammoth [to Sid, the sloth]: If you find a mate in life, you should be loyal. In your case, grateful.

Manfred [referring to Sid]: I'm still trying to get rid of the last thing I saved.

Manfred [to Sid]: Let's get something straight, ok? There's no "we". There never was a "we". In fact, without "me", there wouldn't even be a "you"!

Ray Romano & John Leguizamo in Ice Age (2002)
Manfred: Hey, he's wearing one of those baby thingies.

Sid: So?

Manfred: So, if he poops, where does it go?

Sid: (pause) Humans are disgusting.

Manfred: Check for poop.

Sid: Why am I the poop-checker?

Manfred: Because returning the runt was your idea, because you're small and insignificant, and because I'll pummel you if you don't.

Sid: (pause) Why else?

Manfred: NOW, Sid!

...And funny sitcoms too

Rowan Atkinson in Rowan Atkinson Live (TV, 1992)

As the Devil welcoming people to Hell: The French, are you here? If you'd just like to come down here with the Germans, I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about.

Atheists? Over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits.

Now, murderers. Murderers, over here please. Thank you. Looters and pillagers, over here. Thieves, if you could join them. And lawyers, you're in that lot.

Male adulterers, if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine in the corner there. Fornicators, if you could step forward. My God, there are a lot of you!

And finally, Christians. Christians? Ah yes, I'm sorry. I'm afraid the Jews were right.

Okay, are there any questions? Yes? No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets. If you had read your Bible, you might have seen it was damnation without relief!

Ray Romano & Patricia Heaton in Everybody Loves Raymond (TV, 1996-2005)

Ray Barone: You're already planning the wedding?

Debra Barone: I've been planning it since I was 12.

Ray Barone: But you didn't meet me until you were 22.

Debra Barone: Well, you're the last piece of the puzzle.

Debra Barone: I never thought I'd miss our little apartment.

Ray Barone: C'mon, that apartment was tiny and cramped and noisy.

Debra Barone: Yeah, your parents would only visit once every other month.

Ray Barone: I loved that place.

Debra Barone: Yeah, I know.

Ray Barone (after hurting his back): I guess I am going to be out of commission for a while.

Debra Barone: I wouldn't worry—it's not like Van Gogh has lost his paint brush.

The scene from Notting Hill (1999) where Hugh Grant tells Julia Roberts: "I live in Notting Hill. You live in Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world knows who you are, my mother has trouble remembering my name."